Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline……

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on theline.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.”
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.”

12 comments

  1. “If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.”

    HAHAHA. Those are my favourite. Where did you get these? They’re hilarious!


    I got this via a forwarded e-mail

  2. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    i like this one

    yups, nadine… im having attachment already! will graduate soon~~~

  3. OMG! that was FUNNY! i was literally laughing out loud! I like this: If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Hahahha.. Nice one!

    but why blonde in the end? tsk.. totally discriminating.


    Well, I did not write this and I guess it’s a joke, you know? Like blond jokes? No offense.

  4. This is totally cool and funny!! xD~ lol But yea, the last line wasn’t as cool though. I think I need to be pressing a lot of buttons now. Especially 3, 4, 5 and 6!

  5. Well I guess I’ll keep pressing 1 then… along with ur cousin Abby. Hehehe.. oh wait … is that my other voice telling me to press 999? Hmm maybe I’ll go with 4-5-6.

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