This book I’m currently reading is by Allan and Barbara Pease and it’s so interesting that it is the first non-story book I actually enjoy! I want to share a section from the Dictionary of Women’s Indirect Terms that some may find familiar:

‘Fine’ A woman uses this word at the end of any argument where she believes she’s in the right but needs him to shut up. A man should never use ‘fine’ to describe how a woman looks. This may cause an argument that ends with the woman saying, “Fine!”

‘Five minutes’ This is about half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes a football game is going to last before a man says he’ll take out the rubbish.

‘Nothing’ This means ‘something’. ‘Nothing’ is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when she feels like choking a man. ‘Nothing’ often signifies the start of an argument that will last ‘Five minutes’ and end with the word ‘Fine’.

‘Go ahead’ (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare that will result in a woman getting upset over ‘nothing’ and will end with the word ‘Fine’.

‘Go ahead’ (with normal eyebrows) This means “I give up” or “Do what you want because I don’t care”. You’ll usually receive a (raised eyebrows) ‘Go ahead’ within a few minutes, followed by ‘Nothing’ and ‘Fine’ and she will talk to you in about ‘Five minutes’ when she cools down.

Loud sigh This means she thinks you’re an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over ‘Nothing’.

‘Oh?’ As the start of a sentence, ‘Oh’ usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. For example, “Oh? I talked to your brother about what you were doing last night” and “Oh? I’m expected to believe that am I?” She will tell you that she is ‘Fine’ as she is throwing your clothes out of the window but don’t try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a (raised eyebrows) ‘Go ahead’.

‘That’s OK’ This means she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever you’ve done. ‘That’s OK’ is often used with ‘Fine’ and used in conjunction with a (raised eyebrows) ‘Go ahead’. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in big trouble.

‘Please do’ This is not a statement, it is an offer for you to talk. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever you have done. If you don’t tell the truth you’ll get a ‘That’s OK’ at the end.

‘Really?’ She is not questioning the validity of what you are saying, she’s simply telling you she doesn’t believe a word. You offer to explain and get a ‘Please do’. The more you tell her your excuses the louder and more sarcastic her ‘Reallys’ become, peppered with lots of ‘Ohs’, ‘raised eyebrows’ and a final ‘loud sigh’.

‘Thanks a lot’ A woman will say this when she is really cheesed off with you. It signifies you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the ‘loud sigh’. Don’t ask what is wrong after the ‘loud sigh’, as she will say ‘Nothing’. The next time she’ll let you be intimate with her will be ‘One Day’.

On a side note, here’s to all the ladies:

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
Helena Rubinstein